The Eve of Unforeseen Grief

Todays marks the 2nd anniversary of the day before life shattering news would arrive at the doors to many of our lives. I can feel the sobs of anticipation that hover over the clouds of tomorrow. Portions of my own heart remain broken open. It's hard to be human sometimes. And this is one of those times. The presence of grief is acknowledged, "enough" time has not sufficiently passed.

My current day philosophical mentor— Mark Nepo writes in The Book of Awakening that, "It is brave and simple to say you are hurt when you are hurt, to say you are sad when you are sad, to say you are scared when you are scared." As I move further along the path of my own existence, the public face of holding strong is shedding. I am sad. Deeply sad and if you ask me "How are you?" on this day or any other, I have finally learned to tell my truth.

Today, grief is present, I am missing the light and being of my son of choice—Jeffrey Weinberger and at the same time grateful that he was a presence in our lives—my life.

Songs of Silence

It's raining this morning in California, pre dawn and I can hear the chirp of only one particular bird singing in the rain. Braving the elements of mother nature and in the dark. I don't know why but this moment sparked a thought about songs and silence...this is what silence means to me.

The golden silence of an early morning rise, when it seems that no one but myself is up and greeting the world. A comforting moment in darkness and in stillness. Everything painted with a hush allowing for my mind, body and soul to connect, to plug-in gently before dawn breaks into song. Blank sheets of music yet to be written.

The purposeful silence in meditation lasting for minutes, an hour or a week. The path of following only the direction of the breath. That is the goal. But then there is the mind. Our trickster heard louder in silence. In the absence of our conscious distractors, the volume of the monkey mind is turned up. When the monkey sleeps, silence sings a light through our heart lighting the way for the path of the soul. Truth rising to crescendo.

The destructive silence, where two people come together and no longer have anything to say. The withholding of relational lyrics in pained retaliation. The thought of a cold shoulder that still brings shivers to the spine. The absence of song for this dance brings stillness into a different frame of reference. This form of silence, sounds much louder than the rest. The passage that brings us to the end of a movement in relationship.

The songs of silence are many and these are just a few for me.

What does silence bring up for you?

Seasons in My Life

By Twenty

Life's lessons came hard and fast

Encounters, unkind and non-consensual 

Lessons I was not prepared for

How could I have been?

By Thirty

A phase of contentment

Settled in by a place called home

Surrounded by my created family

I longed for nothing more

By Forty

Chords of dissonance

Crawling before I walked

Clearing the unwept mess of the past

Realigning with self

By Fifty

Freedom responding to life's open invitation

Procreation giving way to creativity
Higher wisdom in thought and action
Connection with love as priority

By Sixty?
It's peeking around my corner
I will wait in 'wonder'
And...
Listen to my heart for what beats next

Serenity

Serenity
A word in perfection

describing the time of day

when darkness of night has not quite yet

 yielded to the break of a new dawn

Serenity

When the wind's whisper is gentle

 soft as sweet nothings in a lover's ear

Serenity

The color of the world muted

its vibrancy hushed and blurred

 like the waking mind

Serenity

Eyes fluttered closed in silence 

the sleeping with minds open 

drifting their dreams towards 

the catchers in the winking sky

Serenity

The symphony of sentient beings on pause 

my heart swells in the enormity of quiet

I have the whole world to myself

Guardian Crow

You made yourself known

With impeccable timing

Deliberate cadence in your voice

Raised above your brother

"Caw, I am here"

Caw, caw, I am near"

"Caw, I am forever watching"

Messages left behind

In feathered trails

Roosted above my sanctuary

Beside me on desolate paths

"Caw, I am here"

Caw, caw, I am near"

"Caw, I am forever watching"

You take the branches I shed

Building your territorial home

On a street you've known before

I'm under your watchful eyes

"Caw, I am here"

Caw, caw, I am near"

"Caw, I am forever watching"

I hear you resting near my heart

Uncanny encounters 

Transcending space and time

I'm grateful, as I answer you back

"Caw, caw, you will never be forgotten"

In memory of Jeffrey Weinberger, my son by choice. He is our Guardian Crow.

The Lines of Time

My face is graced
with the recording of time.

Etched with appointed
lines upon the surface.

Stacked horizons stretching across my brow,

the lineage of life's surprises.

Grooved verticals in-between,

the questions and the unanswered.
Disappointment, curiosity,
and determination
leaving the same deep marks.

The growing creases on my upper lip

exposing the journey of kisses.
Kisses as a mom, kisses as a woman.
All paving the way for more to follow.

Crow's feet webbed,

the channel for tears.

Eyes like the river's dance,
guided through moments
of laughter, sadness and joy.

Miles of smiles 

rippling like waves on the sand,
from cheekbone to cheekbone.

Lines drawn like those on a roadmap.
The surface reflecting where I've been.
The mirror, a snapshot of where I am.

But in my mind's eye,
a smooth surface prevails.
Who I feel I am on the inside
and spaces I have yet to discover.

At My River's Edge

New feelings are emerging

at the dawn of my own horizon.

Shifting as shapes,

between shadows of doubt

and the light of love.

Circling my heart

like the hawk high

above in the sky.

Scanning it's craggy landscape.

Looking for the cracks,

the way to get in.

Keen eyes peering down

as I stand along the

changing river's edge.

My big toe dipped in safety.

The paradox between,

observing the river's rippling effects,

or taking the leap of faith into 

the experience of the unknown.

Can you recall the last time you were at your river's edge? Did you jump in with both feet and your heart? Or, did you stand in wonder? 

Judging a Book's Cover

I once gifted a book.

A book of my own making.

And during it's travels,

the cover suffered

the smallest of tears.

What could I do now?

At my destination

I didn't possess another.

And what did that matter?

It was about the content

not the condition of the cover.

In the exchange

from me to the other,

it was the flaw
that was first noticed.

Spoken out loud,

unconcealed from my ears.

The contents overlooked.

The rip in the cover,

extended clean through

 to my heart.

While this story is based on a true event, I realized during the writing that this also provided me with a metaphor. Me as the book, with depth and beauty in content, only to be overlooked by the viewer's limited perception and focus on a single flaw. 

I know now, that this was not about me. 

Alive in the World

"Alive in the World" is the title to one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs. It comes from his "Looking East" album released in 1996. The album represents Jackson's return to more socially-oriented themed music through lyrics, which must be why I love this song so much.

It was during a peaceful drive home from Palm Desert heading west to San Diego, when Jackson's song began piping through the car speakers. I was alone in my car, the sky ahead was blue and clear of clouds, with fresh white snow blanketed the sides of the road. Just as I crested over the pass through the San Bernardino National Forest, the song came on. The lyrics as clear as the sky made their way into my mind and out my eyes in the form of tears streaming down my face. 

It's not the first time lyrics have spoken to me in this way. But in this moment, the combination of them colliding with the view surrounding me, was just too much to take in while driving. I could barely see the road behind my blurred vision, so I pulled over to absorb the magnificence of the moment. 

It was what I call a divine intervention moment. One that cannot be described or explained—like the "you had to be there" kind, and even if you were there, you would have needed to be inside of me to experience it. 

The lyrics from "Alive in the World" became my mantra that year, and beyond as mantra for my life. When something speaks so loudly, I have come to pay it the deserved attention—without question. And this was one of those times.

The lyrics from Jackson Browne's song speak to the coming of a new world, where fear and cynicism is trumping our humanity, where technology is redefining community and the human experience, and the idea of self preservation prevails over all others. By all accounts, his words speak to him opting out of these (my words) dangerous ways of being in this world, and I am with him. 

Below is an excerpt from the lyrics "Alive in the World" and I encourage you to read them and take them in fully. Find the song on line and have a listen. 

I want to live in the world, not inside my head

I want to live in the world, I want to stand and be counted...

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall

I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call...

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world

To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world...

And the infinite power of change

Alive in the world

How many times have you seen or been a part of not extending a hand to another who has fallen? The action of non-action out of fear for self, or thought as you walked on by "Someone else will get that." I'm not saying that I am perfect in my everyday human interaction, however, I am aware of the dangers before us and strive to show-up awake and alive in the world. 

Will you come with me?