Letting go-ward

I've been debating (with myself) how to write about my experiences during the month of March, where I lived into the intention of philanthropy. I chose "pay it forward" as my 30 Day Project, a month long daily practice of conscious giving.

To write about it seemed a contradiction to the practice, and somewhere in the archives from my rather non traditional Catholic upbringing was a teaching about that very thing. I'm not much of a bible quoter, and I found it here in Matthew 6:2; "But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing."

After some careful consideration and this morning's ah-ha moment/title I am prepared to move forward typing with both my left and right hands open to what spills out next on the page. No celebration, only a share.

There were lessons learned, times of giggly grace, faces left in confusion—sometimes my own and at the end, which really is only the beginning is my own experience of me, my actions and thoughts. In these moments, like a dropped rock in waters still and deep—the concentric ripples of deed spreading infinitely wide with invisible reach, their effects unknown. And like the rock breaking through the water's surface—with varying height in splashes, having no attachment to the ripples in destination on the surface above. The only concern of the rock—if any, is in the depth of its own being. 

Some of the hidden and revealed gems from this project, shined a light on where I still need to grow, and was also reflected back from my co-habitants of humanity. Here is a little story of one pay it forward, the one that kicked off this project. It will be the only one I share, as it is the shining example that allowed the rest of the month to unfold easily and unpredictably. 

It started at the 7/11 down the street from my house. I was in line purchasing my morning ritual coffee and at check-out I asked for a lottery ticket. The clerk while in mid-stream of handing me the potentially million-dollar-life-changing piece of paper, I asked her to please give it to the next person who came up to the counter. Insert her scrunched up face here. She didn't quite understand my request, so I said it again. I left quickly as I didn't want to be a voyeur into what happened next or who received it. As I was making the short walk back to my car my thoughts on two wheels were speeding laps around my mind. "Oh my God, I think I may have just given away a million dollars." My ego mind leaking out its history of missed opportunities, positions of lack and the holding things so close—the clear fear of dying. Death to the ego. I couldn't believe my thoughts and at the same time the clerk with the scrunched up face was reflecting back to me in a look of bewilderment that perhaps was saying—"Is she crazy? She may have just given away a million dollars!" 

I took my thoughts, thanked them and wadded them up like a cashed-in winning lottery ticket and tossed them in the trash with a smile. I think it may have been with my left hand, and I don't remember what my right hand was doing. That moment became the catalyst for the rest of the month and my life.

This morning as I contemplated writing this essay, I knew there was more here than the mere act of paying things forward—money, lottery tickets, a cup of coffee or a smile. For me it became clear that this was yet another evolution in my spiritual development, the practice of leading with a loving heart for no other reason than I believe that to be our innate and best feature of being human. 

One more layer in the practice of non-attachment, letting go...letting go-ward.